The Tale of the Slayers Massicur
by Setfiregirl
Summary: Warning: This is crack. You don't even need to understand the concept of Slayers to read this. It involves Slayers characters dying in various humorous ways....If you don't like crack or character death, don't read!


**Bwahaha, I'm alive! Yes, this is crack. Please keep that in mind as you read. This was created late one night on MSN with my sister. The proceedings included ears growing to the size of elephant's trunks; wild sporks attacking justice loving princesses; Zelgadis getting stabbed by a drop of dew; eyes changing colors; feet tap dancing without the consent of the owner; Lina's parents getting a divorce, then meet up in Peru and making up under a rock filled sky by the light of a genie lamp.  
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**Also, Amelia putting Zel in her garden as a statue, Zelas turning Xelloss into a flea, Filia dancing herself into a fairy, and Lina getting baked into an apple pie by the Lord of Nightmares. And Gourry turning into an otter and Phil melting into a pile of goo.**

**Anyway, this closely follows the same kind of massacre as another one of mine and my sister's....sugar-induced-highs stories in the Ranma 1/2 category...which I have written in a notebook somewhere and not...even remotely typed up, though I hope to do that some time...**

**Disclaimer: **I, like, don't own Slayers. Like totally boo hoo for me-ee!

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Filia drinks some tea that is made of sweet peas, but it's poisoned, so she chokes to death; Xelloss was away on a mission, so Beastmaster pretends to be Filia since she's always wondered what he's like around Filia, but Xelloss sees right through it and commits suicide by shoving gum up his nose until he can't breath. Meanwhile, Beastmaster asks Dolphin to be her new servant as Xelloss is dead.

But Dolphin only stabs her with a mallet.

Gourry asks Lina to be his pickle, but she thinks he wants a pickle, so she shoves it down his throat. :look: He says, garbled by the pickle, that he loves her. SHE thinks he said 'more please' so she goes off to find some pickles. She pricks her finger on a pickle plant and goes into a coma. Gourry eats the pickle but then sees Lina and thinks she's dead, so he begs LON to kill him too. She refuses.

Instead, she brings him to the Sea of Chaos to be her Barbie, where he's stuck for the rest of his life.

Amelia finds that Zelgadis has accidentally killed her pet bunny because he thought it swallowed a Claire Bible manuscript. She gets furious and tries to beat him up, but only succeeds in cutting herself on one of his rocks. Naga, who's finally returned, sees the blood and faints; off a fourth story balcony. And dies. :look:

Amelia dumps Zel off a cliff because she's ticked off that he forgot their 43rd month anniversary of meeting, and he weighs so much that he gets stuck under there. And eaten by a shark because it smelt Amelia's blood on his arm, from where she cut herself. But, Zel, being made of rock, isn't digested; instead he lives in the shark for a few years until it dies and rots away.

Then he makes his escape, only to find Amelia has been married off to Gourry's third cousin, a duke. He goes off into the desert to find his cure so that he can come back and steal Amelia away as a human. -More on his progress later-

Meanwhile, Lana and Tregg are proud to present their third daughter, 57224677-xx6y the third. She, it turns out, can call upon DarkStar's power and makes this fact known by destroying Zephilia along with Lana, Tregg and herself. Luna, unable to bring herself to hurt her sister, barely escapes with her life. She seeks Filia to help, but finds Dolphin eating a frog which she named Zelas.

Luna, thinking it's Beastmaster, kills Dolphin and tries to turn the frog back into Zelas. Needless to say, it doesn't work. :look: Luna figures she's a failure, so she sticks a pen through her hand and calls it a day. She retires to Florida and is never heard from again until four decades later when she dies of dehydration when her 35th Anniversary Cruise Ship crashes.

Lina awakes from her coma and finds out that Gourry is being held captive in the Sea of Chaos. She casts the Giga Slave and yells at L-Sama and tries to steal him back. They fight like a pair of four year olds and finally Lina gets turned into a piece of coal and stuffed in Amelia's stocking. Amelia, figuring it's an omen, divorces Gourry's third cousin.

She then seeks Zelgadis only to find that he was killed when his cure backfired. She cries and nearly drowns herself. But then, as she's about to die, LON revives her and tells her to keep on living with JUSTICE in her heart. Amelia says 'screw justice' and suffers a concussion when she runs headfirst into a concrete statue of Phil.

She gets amnesia and thinks she's a fox and thus goes off to live in a forest. Zelgadis's ghost is so disturbed by this he comes back and tries to communicate with Amelia. When he finds it's futile, he pleads with L-sama to set her back to normal. She does, and now Amelia throws a royal hissy fit and begs Charlie to help her find Lina and help her.

Lina, however, is still a piece of coal, and cannot "help" anyone.

SO, Amelia wanders for another sixteen years and comes across a Claire Bible manuscript and learns the Giga Slave. She casts it and LON is so mad that people are just asking her for help every two decades when all she wants is a nice nap, her favorite tiger plushie and a nice cup of bug juice. She blows up Sairuun and revives Xelloss to fix things.

Xelloss, however, refuses to help her because she "let Filia die" and throws such a huge fit that nearly all the world is blown up. L-Sama gets ticked and strangles him with Tregg's fishing line.

Filia awakes from what we thought was death and finds the world almost gone. She asks what's going on and Phil, who's miraculously alive, tells her that people haven't followed the Laws of Justice and the Hammer of Truth smashed everything. Filia begins to pray and the Lord of Nightmares finally gives up and turns the world to one giant wall, which she paints bright green and watches the paint dry.

Because she finds it more interesting and a whole lot less confusing.


End file.
